It has gotten to the point where I quite literally feel as if I am drowning in suffering. The disagreements between my wife and I continue unabated and constantly threaten to escalate into open conflicts and I find myself wondering how it is possible to both practice the Path and be in such a trying circumstance. The hard part is that I know that all of this suffering is mine as a result of my own past deeds and that I am even now making my own bed of suffering. No one is at fault, no one is to blame and yet there are no innocents.
So, what to do and what to believe? Without the sanctuary of my formal practice routine I find myself slipping under the waves of anger, worry, resentment and depression but taking time for myself only seems to result in more conflict. It is always at times such as these when I find myself longing to call out for the help of the Lord Buddha but am stymied by the thought that he has passed into Nibbana and no longer can help lost worldlings such as myself. Maybe it’s a remnant of of my Catholic past but the idea of a parental and omnipotent figure is certainly attractive in the throes of deep suffering. In absence of the Lord Buddha himself may I at least take refuge in the Dhamma and discipline and so do what I can to chip away at the eons of suffering I have created for myself and blaze a path to freedom no matter how long it takes.