Posted by: Upāsaka | 09/04/2015

Off

Today started off strangely for reasons i cannot begin to fathom. All day long i have felt disconnected from my sense of purpose, anxious and slightly fearful. I still managed to get in my formal,  morning practice and 15 minutes at work but i have felt almost as if i was a spectator all day.

Perhaps it all really began this morning at 6am when i received a text from one of my employees telling me that her sister had been found on the floor, without a pulse a 4 in the morning. She had fortunately been revived and wad now in hospital but, shamefully, immediate reaction to the news was one of consternation and annoyance: how date her sister’s mortality impinge upon my schedule? Despite my shame i was happy that i had was able to catch myself in the act and prevent any further unskillful thoughts to arise.

I think it was really this incident, or rather, my reaction to it which set the tone for the day. I surprised myself by my true lack of initial concern in that moment and the depths of my selfishness. Obviously i have much work to do and i pray that i will yet have time to carry it out before i end up rooming someone’s day.

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Responses

  1. I think that recognizing it is what’s important. That’s what changed your outlook. None of us are perfect.

  2. Hi Mike,
    Don’t be too hard on yourself. One of the artefacts of practice is greater awareness of unskillful dhammas. My experience has been that greater awareness always seems to precede greater equanimity. Eventually, you will witness the arising and passing away of skilful, unskillful and neutral dhammas without identification or attachment. Until then, it’s just going to be a matter of continuing training. It will happen naturally.
    Don’t forget to also include yourself when you practice Metta Bhavana.
    Kind regards,
    Ben

    • Thanks for the reminder Ben.


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