I’ve never really thought about the possibility that I would be denied access to training in a spiritual discipline but that is precisely what has happened. Perhaps it’s hubris or an unexamined sense of entitlement, but suffice it to say that being rebuffed twice in less than a month left my mind telling in confusion and aversion as I sat in meditation. What is this telling me?
There is a lesson here and it is a valuable one-that much I can intuit. But how to best digest it? I have come to the realization that I never want to be in a leadership role or to take in the responsibilities of a teacher so then what is the draw? I want a place that offers opportunities for regular practice and retreat in the midst of my daily life. I want to someday be able to offer presence for people crossing from this life to the next. But, having been told that this is not possible for me with the teacher I have been frequenting what should I do?
I am inclined to stay on out of compassion: he is old and is trying to start a new temple in NYC and having a rough time of it. It’s clear that I won’t be getting any further instruction except for the lessons of patience and commitment. Just for that it makes sense to stay on but I may also take up the search one more for a place I can find those things.