Posted by: Upāsaka | 02/03/2016

Fear

Last night we had a cub scout meeting and, for whatever reason, I had taken the lead again and decided to undertake the responsibility of setting up and operating the band saw to cut the cubs pine wood derby blocks. The meetings take place in an ancient Catholic Church and school and I had to descend several focus of stairs into the dark recesses of the building to find the saw and bring it up.

Strangely enough, a real fear of seeing something and of being watched crept up over me and I felt almost exactly as I have in my dreams when encountering petas. I literally had to force myself into the area near the meter room and illuminate the space in front of me with my phone to find the saw and quickly carry it away.

It was at that moment that I realized, in my still waking state, just how weak my practice is. If I can be completely thrown by this then what would I do if I actually saw something? I honestly don’t know why the feeling arose and it could just have easily been a result of my mind playing tricks on me but it still stands to reason that it is an area of weakeness. Our reminds me of the story of the monk in the Ajahn Mun bio that develop a fear of ghosts and decided to confront it had on by living in a charnel ground. The only charnel ground I have access to its my mind but I know at least what kind of work need to be done. 

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Responses

  1. interesting post! just stumbled upon this blog at the dhammawheel forum, will explore this fellow practicioner blog on this trying path…just when these days I feel discouraged as a lay practioner when I feel I earnestly want to practice well yet don’t feel confident…especially after reading some suttas where some people of that time have been practicing for eons ?!!?! Even though there’s this saying that if mindfulness is continuously practiced without break for 7 days, 7 months, 7 years, attainment can be attained, but this seems like in theory. What makes me feel disheartened and sigh is the certainty that “I?” will have to experience eons of rounds of rebirth despite the earnestness I think I feel and my attempts to follow the path by attempting to keep uposatha now and then and my attempt to keep a meditation schedule everyday. Looks like its an endless mountain top to be climbed?

    • As you can tell from my posts, the Dhamma has been for me, a tool I use everyday and every minute of the day. Yes, it may take eons to gain Release but in the interim there’s no better way to live (IMO). Be well and thanks for your comment!


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